Do not miss a heartbeat; dare not blink. Know what needs to be done and follow through no matter what happens. Do not hesitate; there is no room for fear or even a millisecond of weakness. It is your oath to watch their back; it is theirs to watch yours. Hesitating will get you killed. Or worse; it will get your buddy, your best friend or your entire squad taken out. Mistakes are not just unacceptable, they are deadly. Do not fuck it up!
Values become ingrained like a second coat of armor. Among many things taught, we learn:
Suck it up figure it out get it done soldier on
trying is not good enough mistakes lead to disaster weakness is deadly
bring your A game 24/7 rely on the training – do not think
sleep with one eye open there is no room for excuses
prepare for the worst, hope for the best there is no room for emotions
a soldier’s life is no longer theirs – the mission is the only thing that matters
I recently told a friend, I was afraid of what people might think of me if they knew who I really was deep down inside. She looked at me quizzically. Yet, I realized this was the truth I had created for myself, creatively held within the pages of my “book of inadequacies.”
Whether we own up to the idea or not, I think we all are in possession of a book of inadequacies. Whether we bury them deep within our conscious, or obstinately face them in our daily lives, they impact our every thought. Which in turn impacts how we chose to live our lives, how we create our stories and who we invite on our journey.
Shame and fear, I have found, take turns driving and riding shotgun on my own personal journey. Recently, I asked myself why this had become true and what if anything, I could do about it. As I pieced together the different experiences I had as a child and a young adult, via as honest of a lens as I could muster, I began to see more clearly the root of these feelings.
Negative experiences happen, but we do not have to let them move in and hold as much of our life space hostage, as they tend to often times do.
We experience a myriad of both positive and unpleasant moments each and every day of our lives. Due to the way our minds work, we are naturally inclined to squirrel away, cling to, continuously drudge up and often carry around some of the unpleasant moments in a somewhat protective space, as if our lives depended on their existence. As if these unpleasant moments make up so much of who we are, we cannot bear to part with them. Since we scientifically know this inclination to be true about the human race, and knowledge is power, how do we work to overcome these natural tendencies to live in a negative space?
PTSD is a normal reaction to an abnormal situation(s). I would be more worried if I didn’t have it! Then, I would just be a sociopath.