Photo by tearmatt.com
We all know how complex life can be. There are so many opportunities to allow hurt, pain, suffering, anger, sadness, and grief to overwhelm us. There are as equally as many opportunities to allow ourselves to become despondent, secluded, down on ourselves and depressed. If we open the door to these negative emotions for too long, they can simply consume our life. It is possible for just about anyone to fall into a pit of despair, consumed by negative emotions and feel like they just cannot possibly get out. I would know, I was in that place at one point in my life.
I was married once before, to a man who was emotionally abusive and at times threatened (but never followed through with) physical violence. During that time I was also suffering from serious chronic illness and seasonal affective disorder (SAD.) The picture above captures the essence of who I was, at one point in time. Tears, suffering, sadness, darkness, despair, dark corners and feelings of not being good enough, smart enough or attractive enough had simply consumed me. The despair was so bad, at one point, I considered ending my life. My ex-husband sat on the toilet in our bathroom and watched me attempt to drown myself and he did not help! He said, “I just didn’t believe you would follow through with it.”
In the mix of it all, I lost myself. I lost my ability to connect with others in a positive and loving way. My ability to make friends went from something which came easily and naturally, to something that was extremely difficult. I pushed family and friends away and found it impossible to make new ones. I was even told just recently by a friend, that it takes me awhile to warm up to people! Which was not the case at one point in my life.
The good news is that many of us can and will overcome it and recover. I did!
This is me today. This photo was actually taken last year by my husband of five years when we were out on a date.
The road to forgiveness, acceptance, and learning to love myself, took me on a journey that I am now so very grateful for! Is it possible to be grateful for such pain and suffering at the hands of another human being? Maybe…..but more importantly, it is possible to be grateful for what negative experiences teach us about ourselves and the world around us. Just as life has so many opportunities to hurl negative and hurtful things our way, it has just as many opportunities for joy, love, hope, happiness, and kindness.
What will you choose to hold onto and what will you choose to let go of?
Yesterday, I made a decision to forgive my ex-husband for the years of abuse, pain, suffering, fear, anger and sadness he filled my life up with. I chose to let go of all of that negativity, which was weighing me down and dismiss the voice that sometimes still whispered in my mind (Oh wait, don’t you remember, your not good enough, pretty enough…smart enough….he said so.) That life I lived, is in the past now and that where it should stay! It was my reality then, it is not my reality now, and I wanted to relinquish the power I allowed it to still have over my life. Most of it, I learned over time, was not even true!
Yesterday, I left the hurt behind. Truly, for the first time. I felt all those old wounds healing and my heart felt full. It took work and it took time, but now I feel so blessed and happy to be me!
I AM…Smart Enough! Good Enough! Pretty enough!
I believe in myself and I am determined to look for every positive and beautiful moment life has to offer. I am determined to let the loving and kind person that lives inside of me find her way out to discover new and healthy connections.
How about you? What will you chose to grab a hold of, or …let go of? Can you choose to believe in yourself?
I understand this place and what it is like to be there. I have faith, that you too can turn things around. Oh and yes…..you are smart enough, good enough and pretty enough…..just in case no one has told you lately.